Running for a bus, wearing short shirts, eating from a lunchbox, drinking out of tiny straws, swinging feet on a bar stool… there’s nothing worse than ‘getting the ick’. Dive into the behavioural science behind the ick, and learn how to protect yourself against catching it in the first place.
Running for a bus, wearing a short-sleeved shirt, eating food from a lunchbox, being too keen, returning to the wrong cinema seat, using windscreen wipers when it’s not raining, wearing a snood instead of a face mask, daytime dressing gowns… there’s nothing worse than ‘getting the ick’. But when an ick could literally be anything – how do you distinguish what’s an ick, what’s a red flag, and that's just you? Dive into the behavioural science behind the ick, and learn some strategies to protect yourself against catching the ick.
‘Ick’: A definition:
The Ick is a term that refers to a sudden feeling of revulsion towards someone you're dating. The phrase's popularity quickly snowballed after Olivia Atwood used it in the 2017 series of Love Island, using the term to explain the breakdown of her burgeoning relationship with Sam Gowland. It has developed into a social media trend where people share what gives them the ick, applying it to spheres outside of dating. What’s most disconcerting about it is: icks can be anything.
It doesn’t even have to be a legitimate concern to give you the ick.
It can be totally innocuous. The key indicator of an ick is that it romantically turns you off someone you were otherwise into.
And yes, icks are different to red flags. Red flags are things like talking poorly to waiting for staff, scrolling their phone when you’re talking, gaslighting or talking over people i.e. moral ethical no-nos.
Icks are more inexplicable feelings of revulsion you have towards one of your potential bae’s habits, mannerisms or ways of being. Mouth and eating sound come up pretty high – but they differ from person to person, bringing with them new fears and expectations around dating behaviours.
An icky situation
One in four of us has had the ick. Over a quarter of women fell foul of the ick within one month of dating, whereas men took a bit longer, with over a quarter saying they were icked after a whole year in a relationship. It’s generally something that happens early on in a relationship. Any later than a year, and you should probably just call that drifting apart.
Is it just an easy way to uncatch feelings?
Dating expert Hayley Quinn says that “sometimes 'the ick' can reflect our own discomfort with getting closer to someone, rather than something the other person is actively doing". This is exemplary of a fearful avoidant attachment style. Instead of craving intimacy, people with avoidant attachment tendencies are so wary of closeness they try to avoid emotional connection with others. They'd instead not rely on others, or have others rely on them.
It’s not you, it’s me.
The truth? Getting the ick reflects more about yourself than it does the other person’s horrible habit or bad manners. The ick can be a convenient way to un-catch feelings, or call it quits on a relationship that’s giving you cold feet. This catch-all phrase seems to remove accountability and ownership of the feeling – not necessarily the healthiest of responses when you find yourself going off someone.
It’s a protective mechanism
Most of us want to feel safe with a partner, to share interests, feel doted upon and experience total acceptance. But if an ick is triggering you, you tap into your fight or flight response and become driven to seek security.
If the reaction has come completely out of nowhere – examine whether this is a repeated pattern which holds you back in relationships. It may be a sign of a broader unresolved issue you hold due to a past experience, a predisposition you have for jumping to judgemental thoughts, or simply that you’re experiencing other stressors in life, e.g. you slept badly or you’re stressed. Whatever the reason – it can be a totally normal reaction to have, and one that is not instantly dump-worthy.
Is the ick a person?
TikTokker @jadelehuray says that it’s not the icky behaviour which is turning you off, it’s more the person doing the behaviour which is turning you green. Take noisy eaters. Lip slapping, open-mouth eating, loud noises – (just writing these words makes me feel ill) – but when my dog does it? Absolutely fine. Not a problem.
But not everyone agrees. One user comments, “this isn’t true. If a man wore crocs with rainbow led lights my skin will crawl no matter who he is. He could be a Calvin Klein model.”
So, what’s icking people out the most?
Some commonly recurring icks, for men:
- Personal hygiene including body odour, lack of washing or teeth cleaning or a messy house (29%)
- The other person’s ‘banter’ including bad/inappropriate jokes or boring conversation (28%)
- Their bad habits including nose picking and snorting (27%)
And for women, the same things popped up, but with a more conclusive response and in a slightly different order:
- Their bad habits (43%),
- Their ‘banter’ (41%),
- Personal hygiene (40%).
The main point of difference? Male respondents were more likely to power through an ick – 34% compared to women at 24%.
Ways to protect yourself against the ick:
Attraction has its normal ebbs and flows, but consider these must-dos your new Ick repellents. (Phew!)
- Flip their flaws – If something is disgusting to you, try and flip it to see the positive. If they are obsessed with their Apple watch, you could take their interest in health and fitness as an attractive quality.
- Fight, not flight – If something does really bug you that much, you could consider finding ways to discuss it or even laugh at yourself. Running away from a good thing because they are a noisy eater is not necessarily a net gain.
- Mingle mindfully – Self-awareness is essential when dating, and helps prevent bad behaviour patterns from repeating. Instead of being quick to judge others, how about brushing up on your own eating habits or behavioural quirks before ripping others to shreds?